Somewhere Between Two Homes
I am writing this on the flight back home from Colombia, which is honestly an odd thing for me to say. Referring to Canada as my home and not Colombia feels uncomfortably normal.
I was born in Bogotá, Colombia and immigrated to Canada almost five years ago. I did all of high school here, where I made some of my closest friends and created really meaningful memories. I recently traveled to Colombia for a short, “middle of the semester” trip to visit family and friends, and while I was there, I found myself constantly reflecting on my sense of belonging, both in my home country and in the place I now call home.
“Home” used to only mean Colombia. It was where I was born and raised, where I learned to speak and read in Spanish, where I made my first friends and built core memories. But over time, after moving across the continent, almost without noticing, Canada started feeling more familiar. Little things like routines, places, and people slowly shaped me and changed who I was. During this trip, I realized that home isn't just where you’re from anymore.
It's a bittersweet realization because in a way, it felt like I had lost part of my identity and who I was. I found myself feeling nervous to speak in my own language, and worried that my old friends would see me as different from the girl they once knew. This wasn’t really the case- once I arrived, I felt comfortable and safe all over again, but this time it wasn't the same.
Spanish, my first language, used to be my safety net. Now, it feels like it has taken a step back behind English. At the airport, I noticed I felt more at ease speaking English, and more self-conscious speaking Spanish. It’s not that I’ve forgotten the language, I speak it constantly with my family and friends, but it no longer feels like the strongest part of who I am, and that honestly scares me.
I’ve always felt like there were two sides to my identity: my Colombian side and my Canadian side. This mainly relates to how I communicate and express myself. The more time that I spent growing up and learning in an English-speaking environment, the more that it became easier for me to express myself in it. I started to consider myself funnier and more articulate in it. When speaking Spanish, I noticed I had a different kind of humour, a different tone, almost like a slightly different version of myself.
During this visit, even though I knew it wasn't entirely true, I sometimes felt like an outsider. It felt like my “Colombian side” wasn’t as present anymore. While hanging out with some friends, I was often called "the Canadian" which made me pause. It wasn't an insult, but it didn't feel completely right either. I’m not Canadian…at least, I didn't used to think of myself as one.
Beyond all of these complicated feelings and thoughts, I like to simply believe that both countries make up a part of my identity and it really isn't that serious at the end of the day. I’m still unsure of how to truly define what home is, at least to me, but all I know is that whether I landed in Canada or Colombia, I was back where I belonged. Both places have fully shaped me in their own special way, and I am proud to call them home.